If the States Were Chicks

I've been in Arizona for about 4 days.  In those four days not once have I had to worry about frostbite, hypothermia, or even had the subconscious, darwinistic worry that causes a stir in my stomach by reminding me I might die when I go out in the frigid cold.  It has made me conclude that without a doubt, I will be moving to the south.  Maybe not Arizona, but certainly Texas or Florida.  Life is just too short to live in Minnesota.

However, what's funny is the arrogance most Minnesotan (and Michiganian and Wisconsinite) leftist politicians have about their "beloved" states.

Mark Dayton for example thinks community centers, "Minnesota Nice," and our publicly funded sports arenas are enough to convince people to live in -30 degrees.  Why, having to shovel 3 feet of snow, move cars during parking emergencies only to be ticketed anyway, and pay $300 a month in winter heat bills is more than compensated by the fact we have nice bike paths that can be used 2 months out of the year.  And don't forget our "hip cool hipster" areas like Uptown and Lowertown!  Those inferior artists who populate the place can't work up a damn lick of decent art to the point we've gone so far to redefine art as the minimalist, talentless shit that currently populates the Walker Art Center.  But hey, they wear converse shoes, skinny jeans, and they drink their coffee with their pinkies extended!  And finally, the taxes.  We should be proud of our socialist Norwegian heritage!  And that is enough right there to be proud of.  We care!  So shut the fuck up, pay more in taxes, and appreciate that what you get in return is the fact you were forced to be charitable!

Sarcasm aside, in the end, Minnesota (and her upper midwest socialist sisters) need to realize something:

They're like fat women.

What socialist, liberal, and leftist politicians of the Arctic States of America have to realize is that they already have an uphill battle to keep productive people in their states.  Their weather sucks, snow sucks, and 8 hours a day of sunlight during winter also sucks.  So what do they do to sweeten the pot?

Foist some of the highest taxes on its population.

This is like a fat wife having the audacity to be overbearing and nagging on top of physically repugnant.  Not only is the place unattractive, but it's abusive and intolerable as well.

Now some states get it. They realize they're fat and thus, they are nice.  North Dakota and South Dakota know they are the obese ugly sisters of the United States, but compensate by offering no income taxes, favorable business environments, and in general have a pleasant demeanor.  Other states, on the opposite spectrum also get it.  California for example knows it can abuse its popuilation because it's the "hot girl" of the United States.  Great weather, great climate, awesome scenery.  Why the IT nerds in silicon valley will line up to get financially ass-raped by the state just as readily as they will to get ass-raped by gold digging divorce-prone liberal arts majors from LA.  But at least California offers something.

Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Ohio, New York, Connecticut, and all the other snowbound shit holes offer NOTHING.  Ergo they are the worst - a fat chick WHO HAS ATTITUDE.

Thus, there should be no surprise Minnesotans and the like are moving to Florida or Texas.

You see, Florida and Texas are like the nice farm girls who are hot, but don't have the attitude of California or the delusions de grandiuer of Minnesota.  They still appreciate productive citizens, they like stable, non-criminal populations, but are also physically pleasing.  Nice weather.  Warm climate.  And no shoveling snow whatsoever (I might also point out their women are indeed hotter).  But ALSO low taxes, freedoms, pro gun, and a general pro-business environment.  So the question to Minnesota liberals is simply this:

What, precisely, do you bring to the table for your economically productive suitors?

And the answer is nothing.

You're loud, you're entitled, your obnoxious, you're fat, you're ugly, your abusive, and you're gross.  No self-respecting citizen would ever marry you let alone fuck you for one night.  And when people threaten to leave, you merely threaten to punish them for leaving instead of looking at yourself in the mirror to maybe consider that maybe you are the one with the problem.

So continue on Mark Dayton.  Continue on Phyllis Kahn.  Continue on Chris Coleman.  You keep snapping your fingers in a "you go girl talk to the hand" type manner.  In the end you're nothing but the fat, ghetto trash, trailer trash girl that offers nothing but pain and life-sucking misery to anybody with skill, talent, and  future.  And until you check your attitude (or somehow magically change the climate) you will forever be the ugly, bitchy fat girl of these United States of America.

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